Adolescent Life Coaching Center

Parenting Today's Teen ~ ALCC Parenting Tips

Communicating With Your Teen
The adolescent years can be difficult for many families. Adolescents may develop ideas, values and beliefs that are different to those of their parents. This is part of the normal process of moving towards independence. Parents may struggle with how much independence they should allow their teenage children at different ages and in different circumstances.

There is no prescription for this. Each young person is an individual and needs different advice. Communication with adolescents is different from communicating with younger children and can cause conflict and stress.

If you follow some simple tips, it may help to improve communication with your adolescent. However, always seek professional advice if you are concerned about your family relationships.

Issues That Can Affect Communication
Adolescence is a time of rapid change, not just for the child but for the parents too. It might be hard to let go sometimes, but parents will need to recognize that:

A child’s job is to grow up and become an independent adult. Parents need to help teenagers through this process.
Decisions can now be made together. Try to discuss issues to reach an outcome that parents and adolescents can both accept.
Teenagers may have viewpoints that are different from those of their parents or may take up activities that you don’t understand. Try to see this as good thing. They are learning to be their own person.
Parents will always feel responsible for their children’s wellbeing and safety, no matter how old they are. When children reach adolescence they start to make their own decisions. Sometimes they make the wrong ones. Try to be supportive and not criticize. They will (hopefully!) learn valuable lessons from their mistakes.
During this time of constant change, both parents and adolescents need to take time to care for themselves.

General Communication Tips
The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Suggestions include:

Listen more than you speak – remember that we are all given two ears and one mouth. This is to remind us that we should spend twice as much time listening as talking. This is especially important when talking to teenagers, who may tell us more if we are silent long enough to give them the opportunity.
Make time to spend together – your adolescent may be busy with school, friends and other interests, but you can have a conversation with them over breakfast and dinner. Offer to take them to or pick them up from places; this will provide other opportunities for conversations.
Give them privacy – young people need their own space. For example, knock before you go into their room.
Keep up with their interests – listen to their music, watch their television shows with them and turn up to their sports practice sessions. Continue to take an active interest in their life.
Be a loving parent – adolescents are struggling with their changing sense of identity and need to feel loved. Tell them often. Demonstrate your love using whatever physical contact they are comfortable with. Celebrate their achievements, forgive their mistakes, listen to them when they have a problem and show interest in how they plan to solve it. Support them in their problem solving. Feeling included and special is vital for your adolescent’s sense of positive self-esteem.
Have fun – make time for leisure and laughter. Good feelings help to build good rapport.

Negative Communication
Conflict is inevitable when people with different views live together so the occasional clash with your adolescent is normal and to be expected. However, ongoing conflict can undermine the relationship between parent and adolescent.

Negative communication is a common cause of chronic conflict. Examples of negative communication include nagging, harsh criticism or ‘stand over’ tactics such as yelling to force compliance.

It’s not always easy to recognize negative communication. For example, well-meaning parents may criticize because they want their teenager to try harder. You are using negative communication if:

The conversation rapidly deteriorates into nagging, yelling or fighting
You feel angry, upset, rejected, blamed or unloved
The issue under dispute doesn’t ever improve.

Turn Negatives Into Positives
You can change negative communication into positive communication. Suggestions include:

Negotiate with your teenager about how you communicate with each other. Work out strategies to improve your communication. Brainstorm solutions together.
Select what is important to argue over. A basic guideline is that safety issues, like your teenager getting into a car with a driver who has been drinking, are always worth fighting over. Other things, like the messy bedroom, might be best to ignore – just keep the door shut!
Offer constructive criticism. Acknowledge and celebrate your adolescent’s achievements. They will know themselves when they have got it wrong and don’t need to be reminded by you.
Set a good example by apologizing when you’re wrong.

Update Your Opinion of Your Adolescent's Rights and Freedoms
You need to willingly give your adolescent the right of more freedom when they are ready to behave responsibly. For every right they gain, there is a responsibility that goes with it. Suggestions include:

Establish reasonable house rules in consultation with your adolescent. For example, decide together on an appropriate curfew for Saturday night.
Be prepared to compromise when negotiating house rules with your adolescent. (Try to give ground on the least important issues.)
Stop and consider before you say ‘no’ to a request. Is your teenager now old enough or responsible enough for you to say ‘yes’ this time?
If you do say ‘no’, tell them why – but remember, the parental cliché ‘because I said so’ is just asking for a fight! Give good reasons, such as using the safety argument.
Help your adolescent to take care and responsibility for themselves. For example, talk about issues such as drink spiking or safe sex.

Most Important Tip! ~ Listen MORE And Talk LESS!

Take the time to listen; you may be surprised how much teens will confide in you if they feel they are really being listened to.
Really listen when they talk to you. For example, stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye and don’t interrupt.
Avoid angry or impatient body language. For example, don’t roll your eyes or sigh.
Appreciate that your adolescent has a different worldview. Treat them as you would a friend and respect their opinions. They may have very well-thought-through opinions that are just different to yours.
Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements. For example, don’t say: ‘You’re so inconsiderate, you never tell me where you’re going’. Instead, say: ‘If I don’t know where you are, I worry about you’.
Avoid sarcasm, criticism and yelling.
Don’t assume or mind read. Listen.
Adolescents will stop talking if you don’t listen respectfully.